I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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