Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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