i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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