I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
