I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Sext me about skeletons
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
