Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize