My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
