Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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