why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
