if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
sex in a hospital.. check
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