Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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