You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
