Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
