so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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