i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
my poor anus
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
