Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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