I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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