More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
