just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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