He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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