I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
