you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Randomize
