He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
