Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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