Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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