I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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