So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
