I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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