ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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