these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
