If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
