gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
