and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
