mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
