So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize