also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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