eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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