so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
