There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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