He uses pillows to masturbate.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
