Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
