When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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