I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
