Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
