i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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