Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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