I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize