the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
