I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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