I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
