"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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