Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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