"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
