He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
