Four minutes until I can fart!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
