Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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