Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
