i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
