I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
