Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize