hotel room ftw
My room smells like vodka and shame
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
