Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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