but the lizard people decide everything anyway
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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