we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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