I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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