Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize