and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it because I queefed?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
