I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
