So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize