By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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