If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
