Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
