Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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