Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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