just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
